


Winning/Losing

by autumnmycat



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Chains, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Gem Fusion, Gem Sex, Minor Violence, Other, Sadomasochism, dubcon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 16:13:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7764505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnmycat/pseuds/autumnmycat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lapis and Jasper are good at hating each other. Lapis and Jasper are good at hurting each other. Lapis and Jasper feel like they are winning, but how can either of them win when they’re both determined to torture each other for as long as Malachite exists?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Winning/Losing

**Author's Note:**

> “Let’s stay on this miserable planet—together!”

Chains bind her to the ground. There is no ground, not really, but she is bound to some boundary, and her collective mind says, (GROUND/FLOOR) because she has never been fused before, and this feels like the floor. 

It’s wet, though. Everything is wet at the bottom of the ocean.

“ _Fuck you!_ ” she yells out, but her words are garbled by water and the voice of the other gem she is forced to be with. She doesn’t even know what that means exactly because she has never heard those words connected before. From the weight of them, she feels like they are swear words, but the word ‘fuck’ means nothing to Jasper. 

She likes it, though. It sounds like hate.

Speaking of hate, where is Lapis anyway? When is she going to show herself?

The moment she thinks about Lapis, she appears, shooting up from the watery floor. She is much more intense than Jasper remembers her being, much more tall, much more intimidating, much more angry. 

And, Lapis is _very angry_.

Her anger fills Jasper up because, for some reason, she can feel what Lapis is feeling, and it is the weirdest thing she has ever experienced. 

“You’re a _monster_ ,” Jasper spits out, her whole body seething with loathing.

Lapis falters a bit.

“Me? _I’m_ the monster?” she cries, a hand pressed against her chest in disbelief. “ _You’re_ the one who dragged me back to this miserable planet! _You’re_ the one who captured me and _forced_ me to fuse with _you!_ _You’re_ the monster, Jasper _._ ”

“You agreed to fuse, and then _you_ took advantage of _me!_ ”

“I just wanted to go _home._ Now I have to keep you down here so you don’t destroy everything.”

“If you let me take out Rose Quartz, I would let you fly all the way back to Homeworld. You’d be captured there, too. You’re practically a war criminal, helping the Crystal Gems.” 

“That’s not Rose Quartz! And, I wasn’t helping them—”

“You’re sure helping them now.”

“Because _I’m_ not blinded by petty revenge!”

“Ha! Says someone who is _forcibly trapping_ another gem in a fusion.”

“Ugh, you are so _infuriating_ —”

“Then, let me go, you _selfish brat!_ ”

The shared anger between the two of them becomes monumental, and Lapis (usually not one for fighting) finds her hand raised in the air. It smashes against Jasper’s cheek, the force of the blow knocking her over.

The whole thing stings like Lapis’ palm and Jasper’s face.

“Fuck you,” Lapis growls, those Earth words falling out of her mouth again.

Jasper is forced back up by the chains that bind her arms, and Lapis does it again, and again, and _again,_ a searing hatred swelling with each blow that lands.

Lapis’ strikes are _painful_. Jasper is surprised that she can’t hold in sharp sounds that occur with each hit, sounds that indicate weakness. But, she is also filled with a sensation that she can’t quite put her finger on. It feels like she is proud, like she accomplished something, like she is powerful, but Jasper knows that this is not her experience—it is Lapis’ experience.

She is far more powerful than Jasper, and that is causing Jasper to feel much more of Lapis’ emotions than her own.

She hits her across the face one last time because the groan that comes out of Jasper’s mouth is shameful.

Both of their eyes snap open. They stare at each other.

(It’s more like if they were apart their physical projections of their eyes would fixate on each other’s, but being a fusion feels kind of like one giant metaphor, anyway.)

Lapis takes this as a victory but only because she is confused.

“You’ve _lost_ , Jasper.” 

The words spill out. 

“I don’t feel like _I’ve lost_.”

“Tch.” Lapis sneers, blue fingers threading through fluffy white hair. She is confounded as to why Jasper suddenly feels anything other than a fuck up, and the frustration makes her hate her more. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“ _I feel like I’m winning._ ” 

Lapis yanks at Jasper’s hair as hard as she can, and a mix of horrific pain and sadistic pleasure erupt in the space.

Something is happening. While everything was sharp and painful, now everything is inhabited by a softer, duller sensation. Neither are sure where it’s coming from, but it is beginning to have an effect on both of them. It’s like they can’t focus their eyes correctly, and everything is covered in a thick haze.

Lapis pulls again.

She lets out her own groan, much without her permission, and her entire experience feels fuzzy and somewhat weakened by whatever the hell is going on. She can also tell without seeing that Jasper is barely able to hold her herself up with her hands, entire body basically quaking.

They continue to stare at each other, unsure what to make of this whole thing.

Jasper’s voice is barely audible. She mutters, “More.”

This makes Lapis insane, and for no reason, she drops to her knees and smashes her lips against Jasper’s in a violent and needy manner. Her teeth bite as Jasper’s lips, her fingers tear at Jasper’s hair, and everything is this awful mix of elation and agony, and Jasper doesn’t even get what this strange Earth ritual is meant to accomplish because their collective conscious is not always accessible when such extreme emotions and feelings are occurring.

But, Diamonds, it feels damn good.

Lapis pulls away, panting (because Lapis knows how lungs work since Crystal Gems have a strange obsession with Earthling experience). She doesn’t need air, but if you spend too much time on Earth, you forget that you don’t need to breathe like everyone else.

Eventually, she stands up, peering down at Jasper with a mix of disdain and elation. 

“I hate you.”

It comes out of her mouth too fast, but it is only because of the guilt and resentment and embarrassment for what she’s about to do.

Before Jasper can comprehend what is happening, her head is shoved under her skirt, face shoved against a blue body. She looks up to see a strange _thing_ that looks like it may be an Earth flower, but it is actually just Lapis Lazuli getting off on some weird Earth shit. 

(Jasper knows this because Lapis knows this.) 

“J-Just d- _do_ something to me. I can’t stand it.”

Jasper is disgusted for some reason, but she is also weirdly intrigued, but she also similarly can’t stand it.

“I can’t do anything if my wrists are chained,” Jasper mutters.

Water chains disappear from her arms and reappear around her ankles.

“Happy?”

“No.” 

If Lapis wasn’t so flustered, weren’t so angry, she would laugh. Jasper can tell because her lips stretch into a strange smirk, one that only appears because it is a mix of emotions that don’t belong to her.

(She’s so strong—it’s crazy. Lapis is almost inside Jasper’s head. She wants to scream for her to get out, but she knows that she’s not really in the position to talk, quite literally.)

Another tug at her hair. This one, hard enough that Jasper can’t help but yelp.

(Another weird mix of pain and satisfaction flashes through her—the satisfaction is more powerful.)

“Come _on_.”

Jasper doesn’t want to, but she also wants to, so she does.

The first thing she notices is that under her skirt, Lapis is slick. It’s not wet like the water all around them; it is _slick_ , much like the stuff that comes out of the Flask Robonoids when you smash them open. She touches her, and she is soft, and even though it looks and smells like _Earth_ , Jasper is not really against this idea.

She’s just confused why when she runs her large fingers run over the strange Earth structure, they’re both filled with a warmth, one that originates inside the both of them. Jasper jerks away, not understanding the sensation.

It’s then that Jasper sees that Lapis has made her skirt disappear, only to see pleading eyes looking down at her.

“Don’t stop.”

“What are you—”

“I said, _don’t stop._ ” There’s more anger now and a sharp tug at Jasper’s mane.

Jasper can’t help but think that she underestimated Lapis—she really is a brute—especially with all this weird pseudo-shape shifting she’s doing. Doesn’t it take a lot of power to hold alternate forms for so long?

Whatever. She really has no choice. 

Her large fingers feel their way around; this anatomy is so foreign, but she can sense where Lapis wants her to go by the small jolts of excitement that shoot up her back. It’s nice to stroke her, especially since this new form is soft and warm, much unlike the rest of the gem’s body which is cold and sturdy. 

It’s also interesting because, apparently, this form sports somewhere for Jasper’s large finger to slip inside Lapis.

They both grunt, a certain fullness to this action. 

(Lapis didn’t realize how big Jasper’s fingers were until this moment/Jasper has never felt anything like this, and she is more or less reeling at the various sensations.)

As all this happens, Lapis doesn’t reduce her grip on Jasper’s hair, and it hurts, but it is also sending a bit of a message. Apparently, Lapis _wants_ Jasper’s face to be down there. This is not so much of a guess as it is a sense she’s getting. After all, she can do this without her head pressed against Lapis’ body.

Tilting her head just a bit, Jasper can press her lips to the other place Lapis was quite fond of, and— 

Sweet Diamonds—what is happening to her?

The pulling at her hair and the swelling warmth inside her are causing similar sounds to spill from the mouths of both gems. Even when her tongue just barely grazes her and her fingers curl just a bit, the blue body quakes, every part of her—every part of _them_ filling up with this feeling.

(Jasper is finding it indescribable. It’s almost like her entire being has disappeared, and she is only a collection of warmth. Maybe her insides have turned into light, giving an energy to her mind and gem that she has only felt after the most grueling of battles where she is teetering between complete exhaustion and losing her form.)

Her fingers find it easier to move inside Lapis now that her hand is slick, and so she adds another finger. 

Lapis, not expecting this and damning her own recollection of Jasper’s size, lets out a yelp (almost the same one that Jasper lets out when being hurt by Lapis’ hand.)

“Oh, no, no, no—”

Jasper feels it too—a swelling that she can only liken to retracting back into her gem, but before she actually loses her form, it begins to die down, leaving the both of them a tired, heaving mess.

Jasper lets her mind wonder: _What’s going on?_

This is a mistake because Jasper’s thoughts are no longer just her own. Lapis steps away, taking Jasper out of her and reforming her skirt.

“I won.”

Jasper lets out a small chuckle.

“I think, I’m the one that won.”

She never learns her lesson. At least, not easily.

Chains are reattached to her wrists, and they pull backwards. Jasper finds that she is being forced into a position where her ankles and wrists are connected by the same chains, back arched so she is looking at the infinite watery abyss behind her. She’s on her knees, but instead of leaning forward on her hands, she has to grasp her ankles to stay upright. It’s very uncomfortable.

“Think again.” 

Jasper once again remembers that she is in over her head, quite literally.

She finds it hard to speak because she is contorted into a strange position, but Jasper’s not so easily shut up.

Unfortunately.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Lazuli?” she growls, Earth words crawling into her mouth.

Lapis doesn’t even grace her with an answer. She just wanders over to her bound body and stares down at her.

(Lapis always has the upper hand. But she can’t hold out forever, right?)

A blue hand finds its way between Jasper’s legs. Although Jasper is still bound, for some reason, Lapis is able to use her own will to shapeshift to craft another Earth _thing_ , but this time, it’s between Jasper’s legs.

She can’t see what’s happening, but she knows Lapis has a grasp on her—a part of her that Jasper does not know or understand.

(How can Lapis forcibly shapeshift Jasper? How does she have this much power?)

It’s beginning to sink in that fusion is a whole new experience that Jasper can’t comprehend. It doesn’t have rules or laws like Homeworld does. It seems like this mental space they’re in is only bound by what they can think up, considering they are a fusion at the bottom of the ocean and not two gems floating in the ether. 

So, if all this is being made up in their heads, how much power does Lapis really have?

(Is this why Homeworld has such strict laws about fusion?)

Jasper is woken out of her musing by the shock of another hit across the face. This time, though, she also has a familiar jolt of excitement flashing through her. Unlike Lapis, who was warm and had an inside, Jasper’s Earth anatomy is much more external. She can’t see it because her back is bent backwards towards her ankles, but as Lapis strokes it, she can tell it’s long and jutting, much like a sword.

To say she is freaked out would be an understatement. Jasper cannot defend herself, and Lapis is clearly doing whatever she wants as a means of intimidation.

“What are _you doing?_ ” she repeats, her tone much more frightened than it had been prior.

Lapis’ response is monotone, at best.

“Whatever I want.”

She’s obviously trying to win. That’s all it is, right? Lapis is using her power to control Jasper. This is not news—Crystal Gems use any means necessary to upset The Balance. Even though Lapis _claims_ she’s not a Crystal Gem, her fervent means of defending Rose Quartz has to mean that she has some type of rebellion ties.

Jasper is once again pulled from her thoughts because that warmth she was experiencing earlier is becoming much more intense. It is because it’s getting harder to think that she can only make discontented sounds and not voice her disdain for the other gem. 

It’s not fair. It’s just not fair that the only way Jasper knows how to get out of something is by brute strength, and even that can’t save her.

So, Jasper grits her teeth and bares it. 

(Even if that means that Lapis gets to win over and over again. It’s already been made clear that Lapis has the power here. If Jasper can do nothing more than wait for her to exhaust herself before she can get away, well, that’s just what she’ll have to do.) 

Unfortunately, she feels Earth words crawl in her mouth again.

“F-Fuck—“

And for not the first time during their time together, Jasper is not quite sure if Lapis is the one winning.

 

* * *

 

The least she can do is have fun with it, you know? Now that she knows that Lapis’ feelings are her feelings too, she doesn’t really mind touching her body, to make sounds come out of her. She doesn’t mind when Lapis hits her or causes her any sort of pain because the pleasure of Lapis’ Revenge is Jasper’s pleasure too, and it feels so damn good.

Jasper has come to like this human genitalia, or at least not be totally repulsed by it, mostly because shape shifting in the amorphous headspace of a fusion takes little to no energy (unlike when they’re apart and their physical bodies have to be altered), and humans work in such surprisingly fun ways.

This concept is lost on Jasper. She does not understand humans, but she knows about human biology because Lapis knows more about humans than she wants to know. Information has been given to her by the Crystal Gems (she does not remember which one, there are too many faces), and it is actually quite horrifying to know how the human reproductive system works, but apparently _somebody_ thought it was important to know, and she just happened to be trapped in an information-keeping object for 5,000 years. 

And, human biology, while a bit too much, makes for a great time. 

Lapis straddles Jasper, and Jasper is inside her, and she is both enthralled and ashamed that she is getting off to watching Lapis rock her hips against her. It looks so nice, and not only does it feel nice for Jasper herself, but she can feel how nice it is for Lapis, and holy fucking shit, it’s fucking nice.

So nice, in fact, that a surge of power shoots through Jasper, and in no time flat, the situation is flipped, and Lapis is face down on the “floor,” and Jasper is slamming into Lapis, and it is by no means pretty or kind.

When it’s like this, she can never keep her damn mouth shut. 

“I fucking hate you, you fucking _cunt._ ”

Earth insults are great, too. Lapis knows so much weird information.

Her words are between grunts and moans, and no one is sure who is making what sounds at any given time. All Lapis knows is that the triumphant feeling of Jasper is also hers, and it is very nice.

“F-Fuck,” she coos. Her hips, not so subtly, arch to meet Jasper’s.

All Lapis knows is she wants more, more, more, more—Oh, diamonds—fucking hell, she wants more because hating Jasper is the most pleasurable thing she’s ever done in her life, and it’s been a good 5,000+ years since she’s felt anything other than despair, so she is not going to stop now.

Her entire psyche is wracked with so much pain, but the pain feels good because pain means that Jasper is feeling pain, which makes Lapis feel good, but Jasper also feels good because Lapis is feeling pain, which causes Jasper to also enjoy being in pain.

It is really quite awful. 

Lapis feels like she’s winning, she’s very close to winning. So close, in fact, that she cries out a weird sort of mangled sound that could either be pleasure or toil.

“ _O-Oh my stars_ ,” dribbles out of their collective consciousness, and it is impossible for them not to reach any sort of peak without one another because all of their experiences are shared to a certain extent.

But, since it hurts the both of them, neither of them stops when they are done. They keep going because it is painful for the both of them, and that just makes them want to keep going, and—well—you can see where the issue is here.

They are wearing themselves thin.

 

* * *

 

Then, it is no surprise that, after a while, it begins to feel hollow. Winning starts to feel like losing.

The wins aren’t worth it. They are few and far between, anyway. Something happened, something _changed_ , and the physical pain and pleasure just don’t cut it anymore. 

Jasper takes Lapis’ chin between her giant fingers. She seems bigger than Lapis remembers her—more intimidating, more angry.

But, Jasper is always angry.

“Get out of my head!”

“I’m not in your head,” Lapis grunts, pulling up on her chains, so Jasper’s wrists are yanked to her sides.

“Yes, you are. Get out!”

Jasper can feel Lapis still behind her eyes, still reading the tiny thoughts that flit through her consciousness. It’s annoying. She hasn’t had a moment to herself in months/years/minutes/seconds.

She can’t tell anymore. Any concept of time has disappeared.

(Jasper has never felt more trapped.)

Jasper has been gaining more control. Lapis is tired. 

(Just as Jasper had suspected. You can’t exert that much energy forever. Not even an ancient gem can hold an unstable fusion forever. Everyone knows that.)

Lapis has resulted to using her own mental strength to hold Jasper down. There are chains around her wrists now, too. She has to concentrate very hard to keep Jasper from breaking up Malachite.

It’s giving her a headache.

“What are you? A human now?” Jasper grunts.

“And, you’re complaining about me being in your head?” 

Lapis is getting nervous, and Jasper can tell. The problem with being in a fusion is it’s difficult to hide a thought or a feeling because after a while, you begin to turn into one person. It’s not really about “being inside her head” when you literally are sharing the same consciousness.

“ _I just want to go home!_ ” Jasper finds herself yelling, but she’s not entirely sure if these are all her thoughts or a weird amalgamation of the both of theirs. 

Lapis’ face is indescribable as she shoots a stinging glare Jasper’s way.

“Fuck you.” 

There is nothing Jasper wants more than to be apart from Lapis Lazuli.

 

* * *

 

Yet, somehow, being apart is worse. 

Inside this crack in the Earth, Jasper feels empty. There’s no one else to look to, no one else to accompany her thoughts, no one else to blame for her suffering.

She’s just alone.

Jasper would never admit it—well, she would hate to entertain the idea that she would admit it out loud—but she _misses_ Lapis. She kind of

(misses being fused.)

“Pfft. Ridiculous,” she mumbles to herself, climbing the jagged rocks that jut out of the walls. Her own mind is betraying her, and she can’t even say that it’s Lapis’ fault.

There were a lot of horrible things going on as Malachite, yet she still wants that again. She wants the closeness, the intimacy. 

The Power.

(Lapis is so powerful. Jasper has never known such power. She’s never known what it feels like to possess that much destructive ability.)

She wants it back.

Surely, Lapis feels somewhat similarly. Or if not about the _power_ aspect, she must feel like she’s at least _missing her_ , right? This isn’t just her feeling this way, right? Right?

Right? 

Jasper reaches the surface, pulling herself out of the Earth and onto (what’s left of) Mask Island.

It’s decided, then. 

She has to find her.

She has to be Malachite, again. Because that’s what’s best for the both of them, right? Lapis will want to be with her again, right? This can’t just be one-sided, right?

Right?


End file.
